


Adventures in Bodyswapping

by celeste9



Category: Marvel Cinematic Universe, Thor (Movies)
Genre: Alien Technology, Awkward Crush, Bodyswap, F/M, Humor
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-11
Updated: 2014-03-11
Packaged: 2018-01-15 09:29:57
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,141
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1300018
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/celeste9/pseuds/celeste9
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Darcy thought the takeaway was clear - don't mess with Asgardian tech when you don't know what it does.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Adventures in Bodyswapping

**Author's Note:**

> For 'bodyswap' on my Trope Bingo card.

“What the fuck,” Darcy said, uncovering her eyes as the flash of light receded. Tiny spots were dancing in front of her eyes and she blinked a few times to clear them.

As her sight returned to normal, Darcy swept her gaze over the room, trying to see if anyone had been harmed. She looked at one particular figure, did a double-take, and blinked again. “I repeat, what the fuck.”

“Damn scientists,” muttered whoever the hell was in Darcy’s body because it sure wasn’t Darcy.

The FML expression on her face fit pretty well, though.

-

They - Darcy and Agent Coulson, because apparently it was Coulson who was currently taking up residence in Darcy’s body - spent the rest of the afternoon getting poked and prodded by S.H.I.E.L.D. staff trying to figure out what had gone wrong. Darcy thought the takeaway was clear - don’t mess with Asgardian tech when you don’t know what it does.Jane was the only one whose questions were more concerned than intrigued, though there was definitely some scientific interest in there as well because she was Jane. Her expression had been tinged with guilt, like it was her fault this had happened, which, okay, had some merit. It hadn’t been just her, though.

Darcy couldn’t quite get herself to stop looking at her hands, the hands that weren’t hers but still moved like they were, the fingers flexing and extending. It was weird. She had spent ten minutes in the bathroom just staring at Agent Coulson’s face in the mirror, trying to see herself somewhere in his eyes, maybe, before Agent Hill had come in to force her to get out.

At the moment they’d been left alone. Well, mostly alone; Darcy knew there were agents acting as guards in case they turned out to be dangerous or tried anything funny. Darcy was actually kind of curious as to what would happen if Coulson did go nuts and try to escape. Would he be able to replicate his secret ninja skills in Darcy’s body? Or would Darcy suddenly be able to master the right hook she’d been working on?

Didn’t seem like she’d get to discover any of that, though. Coulson was sitting perfectly still on an exam table, but his eyes kept drifting down to Darcy’s body in the only outward sign that he was at all flustered by what had happened.

“I know my rack is awesome, but try not to get too carried away. Do we need to make some kind of pact, like, I won’t play with your junk if you don’t play with mine?”

Coulson’s look was highly disparaging. “Miss Lewis, I promise you that I have no interest in ‘playing with your junk’, as you so eloquently put it.”

Darcy shrugged. “Hey, whatever. I’m new here, I don’t know how these things work. I guess you probably swap bodies all the time.”

“Not usually, no.”

“Really? Huh. Well then, may I say I’m proud to be your first?” Darcy grinned.

Coulson’s Mr. Bland persona didn’t work as well on Darcy’s face as it did on his own. “Please refrain from saying things like that out loud. The rumor mill around here is bad enough without providing fuel.”

“Hey, you should consider yourself lucky if rumors exist about you nailing me. No way that wouldn’t up your street cred.”

“My street cred is fine as is, Miss Lewis.”

“Suit yourself, but don’t say I didn’t offer.” Darcy examined the backs of her hands again. There was a strange scar on the left one, like a burn. “So how long do you think we’re gonna be like this? Because I’ve got to say, I’m not looking forward to peeing standing up and all that.”

That was definitely a wince Coulson couldn’t quite manage to hide. “I couldn’t tell you.”

There was a loud commotion from outside the door and then Tony Stark came in, Bruce Banner at his heels, looking apologetic. And also very, very intrigued. Darcy darted a glance at Coulson and saw his eyes widen. Ha, see, he did get flustered.

Tony stopped in front of Coulson and said, “Well, Agent, you’re a lot hotter than I remember you being.”

“What are you doing here, Mr. Stark?” Coulson asked and Darcy so wanted to be able to replicate that tone when she got her own body back.

“S.H.I.E.L.D. called in the experts, obviously. We’re here to help.”

“Try not to look so gleeful as you say that.”

“Didn’t say we couldn’t have some fun, first.”

“They’re getting a message to Thor,” Bruce said, much more helpfully. “But in the meantime, here we are.”

“To do what, exactly?” Darcy asked because she felt it was a fair question. “Want to stick us with some more needles? Get another brain scan? It didn’t seem to help the rest of them.”

Bruce had the grace to look sympathetic. “I realize it isn’t ideal. We don’t want to cause you any more discomfort than is absolutely necessary, believe me.”

“Yeah,” Darcy said and picked at her nails. Coulson’s nails. Whatever. Bruce was nice and strangely reassuring despite the fact he sometimes turned into a giant green rage monster. Darcy hadn’t seen him do it yet, except on TV. She didn’t want to.

Coulson chose that moment to hop down off the exam table, stumbling slightly and looking off-balance. That probably answered the question about the ninja skills.

“A bit top-heavy for you there, champ?” Darcy suggested.

As Coulson was unable to stop the reflexive glance down towards Darcy’s cleavage, Tony slapped Darcy’s hand in a high-five.

“If you’re getting up,” Darcy said, hopping to her feet, too, “then I’m gonna go pee.” Yeah, it was weird having a man’s body, Darcy’s equilibrium was all off and her limbs were the wrong length. No wonder Coulson looked like he was having so much trouble moving.

Coulson blinked at her. “Should I-- Do you want me to--” He stopped talking, seemingly confused. This was so great. Coulson had no idea how the hell to act and Darcy was loving it.

“What, are you gonna hold my-- your-- my dick every time I pee?”

Coulson didn’t need to say anything to convey exactly how he felt about _that_ idea.

“Yeah, didn’t think so. We knew this would happen sooner or later. Maybe you shouldn’t have chugged that ginormous coffee, then it would’ve been later.”

“When you can make it through a day wrangling the Avengers, keeping Director Fury happy, and dealing with S.H.I.E.L.D. protocol and tech-giddy scientists without copious amounts of caffeine, Miss Lewis, then we’ll talk.”

Fair enough, Darcy allowed. As Coulson’s assistant, she’d seen the sort of shit he dealt with on a daily basis. It was kind of a miracle he didn’t just bring a flask with him and start boozing it up the moment he stepped through the door.

“Okay, well, I still have to pee, so I’ll be back in a sec. Promise I’ll wash my hands!” Darcy gave them a little wave, enjoying the slightly slack-jawed look on Coulson’s face.

-

Thankfully, both Coulson and Darcy were given the okay to go home that evening rather than being forced to stay under observation. The consensus seemed to be they were still their harmless (well, for a given degree of harmless in Coulson’s case) selves, just in the wrong bodies.

“You know what’s weird,” Jane said, musing, while they munched popcorn on the couch.

“That we switched bodies?”

“Well, yeah, obviously, but what I meant was it’s weird that it was _you two_ who switched bodies. Only you. You weren’t even standing nearest to the device when it went off.”

“I guess that is weird.”

Jane sighed. “We really need Thor to explain this thing. I’m afraid it’s just too solidly magical for us.”

Darcy patted Jane’s shoulder comfortingly. The woman could get incredibly depressed when let down by science.

“That’s weird, too,” Jane said, and Darcy shifted farther over. “I mean, I know you’re _you,_ but it’s still like having Agent Coulson on my couch watching crappy reality TV.”

“The Kardashians are must-see TV,” Darcy insisted. “Anyway, I bet Coulson secretly loves this stuff. Which do you think? Real Housewives?”

Jane giggled. “Yes! Trashy television at its finest. Which city? Atlanta?”

“All of them. Totally. Like a sickness.”

They finished their popcorn whilst participating in a little bit of yelling at the screen (that _bitch!_ ), but eventually Darcy got up to head back to her own room in the Tower. (She called it her room, but… never let it be said that Tony Stark wasn’t generous with his money.) “I think I’m starting to reek a little,” she said, grimacing. “It’s, like, man-stink, it’s gross.”

“You’re going to shower?” Jane’s voice went weirdly high, almost like a squeak.

“Well, yeah. I mean, I can’t just go around all sweaty and stinky. It’d be bad for both our images, me and Coulson.”

“I guess you’re right,” Jane said, twisting her fingers in her hair. “It just seems so… I don’t know, creepy.”

“I’m not gonna jerk him off or anything,” Darcy said, because Jane was starting to sound like she was thinking rapey thoughts. Probably she shouldn’t mention that she had already held Coulson’s dick. (It was a nice dick. Not that she’d examined it or anything, but, you know.)

“Ew, gross! I know!”

“Okay, then.” Darcy walked out the door, hoping she was managing at least a smidgeon of Coulson’s ‘I don’t give a fuck’ coolness.

Back in her own room, Darcy undressed as quickly as humanly possible and scooted under the showerhead without looking at the mirror. Of course, there really wasn’t any skirting around the issue. She was taking a shower in Coulson’s body.

It turned out that Coulson was surprisingly toned underneath the suit, but then, Darcy probably shouldn’t have found that surprising. Ninja skills and everything. Coulson may have been the Avengers’ handler, but he was a fully trained field agent.

Darcy hesitated with her hand over the shower gel, considering that Coulson probably wouldn’t appreciate smelling so fruity. She went for the plain bar of soap instead and tried to pretend she was washing herself. Damn, this was so weird. It felt like a violation of privacy, even though logically she knew that Coulson was going to be in his own shower, doing the exact same thing with Darcy’s body.

She wasn’t sure why the idea of it made a sudden flare of heat spike in her belly, or why exactly she was being so careful to touch Coulson’s skin with only her loofah and never her hand, why she was trying to do this without looking.

Or maybe she knew exactly why. It was possible Darcy may have, once or twice, thought about what Coulson looked like beneath his pressed suits. It was possible she may have, late at night, entertained an indulgent fantasy about kissing him. What? He was nice-looking, for a guy who was way too old for her, and he was _Coulson._ He was kind of badass, and he’d been good to her. Maybe she was crushing a little.

That was fine, right? That was totally fine. She was allowed to crush on her boss. It wasn’t like she was expecting anything to come of it.

It wasn’t like she had ever expected to have his dick in her hand, Jesus.

Darcy turned off the water and wrapped herself in a towel, banishing all those thoughts from her mind. Particular parts of Coulson’s anatomy were becoming too interested in the proceedings and she was so not going there.

Then Darcy halted in front of her dresser and realized that she was wearing a man’s body but her wardrobe was meant for, well, a woman. “Well, crap,” she said.

-

As a temporary measure, Darcy ended up wrapping herself in a robe and running back down the hall to Jane’s room to beg for any clothes Thor might have left there. She came away with a t-shirt and some sweats that were entirely too large for Coulson, but good enough for the moment.

She hadn’t quite decided what she was going to do when, answering a knock, she opened the door to her own face. Coulson was standing in the hall in clothes that looked as awkward on Darcy’s frame as Thor’s did on Coulson’s, with a canvas bag in his hand and a fancy garment bag draped over his forearm.

“We need to swap,” Coulson said, and Darcy let him inside.

“Didn’t you want everyone at S.H.I.E.L.D. to see you looking like this?” Darcy teased, loosening the drawstring on the sweats a little so they drooped around her hips.

“Not unless you’d like Tony Stark to see you without a bra.”

“Touché,” Darcy said admiringly. “Hey, speaking of, I could really use a few new bras, maybe we should go and--” She stopped, bursting into laughter, simply unable to continue. “Okay, okay, or we could not.”

Coulson actually looked physically ill at the very idea of going bra shopping but he recovered swiftly. He held out the garment bag. “I imagine that by tomorrow the entirety of S.H.I.E.L.D. will know that it’s not me in there, but I would still appreciate it if you could put on a suit when you go in.”

“Sure. Wouldn’t want to embarrass you or anything. I have no idea how to tie a tie, though.”

“I’ll show you.”

“Great.” Darcy eyed the way Coulson’s hair - _her_ hair - was wet and tangled, swept back in a low ponytail. “You cannot leave my hair like that, it’ll look like shit in the morning. Frizzy and gross and that hair tie will leave a God-awful crease if you let it dry like that.”

Coulson arched an eyebrow. “I apologize, Miss Lewis. I’m afraid my knowledge of female hair care practices is a little lacking.”

Darcy grinned. “So there _is_ something you don’t know. Well, we’ll trade. You teach me how to tie a tie, I’ll teach you how to make me look gorgeous. We can skip the foundation but I draw the line at no lip gloss.”

Coulson was looking slightly queasy again but he nodded.

Darcy was probably looking forward to this too much.

-

In the morning, Coulson showed up at Darcy’s door again and they proceeded to make each other look respectable. Darcy might have felt something warm coil inside her as Coulson stood too close and used his hands too much, smoothing the lines of her suit and guiding her hands over the motions of tying a tie. She covered it by being as obnoxious as possible.

Darcy took pity on Coulson and kept things simple, tying his - her - God _damn_ it - hair back neatly and keeping to the light make-up she would normally wear to the office anyway. She did it herself, too, as she suspected it might be slightly traumatizing for the poor guy to actually have to learn how to put on mascara.

“I’ve always thought it must take an awful lot of work to be a woman,” Coulson said.

“And you haven’t even had to shave yet.”

“Do I have to?”

“If you’re gonna keep wearing my skirts, then hell yes.”

“Pants it is, starting tomorrow,” Coulson said, and the curving of his lips made Darcy break into a smile, too.

“Hey, who knows,” Darcy said, deciding to try some optimism. “Maybe by tomorrow we’ll have swapped back.”

“Maybe,” he agreed, lacking conviction.

Well, that just wouldn’t do. To brighten the mood, Darcy said, “In the meantime I could always give you a crash course in wearing heels.”

Coulson smiled slyly at her. “Who says I don’t already know how?”

Darcy honestly couldn’t tell if he was joking or not. Coulson was the one who needed to be giving lessons, seriously.

-

She and Coulson headed over to S.H.I.E.L.D. together because it was easier, and also because they were both supposed to report to the infirmary first thing anyway for another quick check-up.

It wasn’t actually all that quick but Darcy was getting used to needles and other assorted instruments. Nobody had anything new to tell them, or at least, nothing new that Darcy was cleared to hear. So that meant it was going to be business as usual for the time being, except for the whole thing where Darcy looked like her boss.

In front of Coulson’s office, Darcy gazed longingly at the chair inside and said, “Can’t I just--”

“No,” Coulson said, and sat down himself.

“Nuts.” Darcy flounced over to her desk. Just once she was going to spin around in that chair behind Coulson’s desk, pretending she was the badass secret ninja masquerading as just another bland white guy in a suit. Or something like that.

Darcy had a secret hope that she had never told anyone, that she hardly even liked to admit to herself. She hoped that maybe one day, she would manage a S.H.I.E.L.D. team of her own. Or even just an agent, that would be fine too. It wasn’t outside the realm of possibility, right?

She knew it was something that, if she seriously wanted it to happen, she was going to have to talk to Coulson about. But that day was not today.

The ensuing morning came with its own brand of weirdness, as Darcy answered Coulson’s calls in Coulson’s voice. As expected, though, the news of their bodyswap adventure had spread through S.H.I.E.L.D. like wildfire, so while Darcy did get some interested looks as she sat at her desk wearing Coulson’s face, they weren’t particularly surprised looks.

Except for the poor junior agent who stopped by just as Darcy was thinking it was time for a coffee run. The guy looked completely confused, first staring at Darcy, then darting his eyes over the surrounding area, then going back to staring at Darcy. “Um,” he said. “Sir?”

“Oh, man,” Darcy said sympathetically. “You are really out of the loop.”

-

The news of Darcy and Coulson’s bodyswap adventure spread through the Avengers the same as it did through S.H.I.E.L.D. Steve was markedly less invasive of things like personal space than Tony or Bruce had been, but he regarded them as no less of a curiosity.

“Huh,” he said, staring at them. “That’s really disconcerting.”

“Hey, Coulson,” Darcy said, because she couldn’t resist. “Assuming Steve’s straight, this might be your only chance to discover firsthand what he’s hiding under those patriotic tights. Not that he’s actually hiding much.” Because _damn._

That made Steve blush, which Darcy was chalking up to the reminder that he was a national icon and people all over the country jacked it to his trading cards. Not the actual sex thing. Darcy figured Steve had traveled the U.S. in the company of scantily clad dancing girls. No doubt he’d Seen Things.

“I’ll keep that under advisement,” Coulson said.

Darcy nodded benevolently. “I give you permission to use my body to climb Captain America like a tree. Only if I can watch, though.” If her vagina got to be anywhere near Captain America’s penis, she sure as hell was at least going to get to see it.

“The pamphlet they gave me says this is sexual harassment,” Steve said.

After that was Clint and Natasha, who’d been off on some mission or another and thus had missed the initial fun times. Darcy was willing to bet Clint had literally stepped off the quinjet and ran to Coulson’s office. She was also willing to bet it was Tony who was responsible for the leak of information.

“Gee, sir,” Clint said, standing in front of Darcy’s desk and looking positively gleeful. “You must have really fucked up for this kind of demotion.”

“Really?” Natasha said. “Really, Clint? That’s the best you could come up with?”

“Don’t ruin my fun, Nat,” Clint said, and ducked into Coulson’s office without being invited.

“Wow, sir,” Darcy heard him saying. “Did you have some work done?”

Natasha had that look about her that Darcy thought of as her, ‘If I weren’t a totally badass and inscrutable super spy, I’d be rolling my eyes right now’ look.

“I feel you,” Darcy said.

-

Darcy sat on an exam table, looking across the aisle at Coulson. It was probably bad that she was getting so used to looking at herself that this was starting to feel normal. “I was thinking,” she said.

“And?”

“Haven’t you ever wondered what it would be like to have sex as a woman?”

Coulson only kept watching her, expression unreadable.

“Cause I sure have. I mean, how it would feel with a penis. I feel like that’s not weird. And we kind of have the chance now.”

“Miss Lewis, I assume you are either trying to pick me up or asking permission to use my body for sex, and I’m not sure I’m comfortable with either option.”

Darcy resisted the urge to sigh. She should have known it wouldn’t be that easy. Probably for the best, though - if she ever did get to fuck Coulson, she’d prefer to actually fuck Coulson, and not herself.

Still, though. Who _hadn’t_ wondered what it would be like to fuck yourself? In a non-masturbatory way.

She had to admit, though, even though she had never actually thought Coulson would be interested in the way she wanted him to be, it was kind of a slap in the face to be so casually rejected. Maybe it was only because they were in the wrong bodies. A girl could hope.

“Have you ever--” Darcy started, and then was interrupted by Jane coming in, smiling brightly and wielding a formidable-looking instrument at them (it was just as possible that Jane had built it out of the toaster and some scrap metal as it was that S.H.I.E.L.D. was responsible for it).

Darcy wasn’t even sure what she’d been about to say, so Jane’s entrance was probably lucky.

-

“It really isn’t that difficult,” Coulson was saying as he knotted Darcy’s tie. “I’m not sure why you continue to need me to do this every morning.”

“I’m a slow learner,” Darcy said, as she wasn’t about to come right out and say that she just liked the excuse to be this close to Coulson, to have his attention so focused on her. Because that would have been humiliating and Darcy still had her pride. Not much, but a bit.

“Your tenure at S.H.I.E.L.D. would point to the contrary.”

“Aw, was that a compliment? Gee, Coulson, thanks, that’s the nicest thing you’ve ever said to me.”

Coulson’s mouth twitched and he smoothed her collar.

Darcy was pretty touched, though, actually. She tried to do her best and she wanted to fit at S.H.I.E.L.D., she wanted to belong. It was hard being the only normal person around, with no fancy degrees or fighting skills or super powers. Plus, it didn’t hurt knowing that the object of her stupid crush thought she wasn’t half bad.

“You know,” Darcy said, “if you’re so tired of helping me get dressed every morning you could take a ride on the wild side, let me go to the office _without a tie._ ” Darcy gasped theatrically. “Oh, my! It would be like going in half-dressed! What would people say!”

“You’ve made your point, Miss Lewis,” Coulson said, but he was turning his head like he was trying to hide the fact he was sorely tempted to smile at her.

-

Darcy looked up from her desk when she heard a small commotion. “What the fuck,” she said, when she saw it was Jane.

Jane, running. Jane never ran, not unless she was chasing some sort of signal. Jane and exercise? Didn’t get along much. Exercise interfered with science the same as eating did.

Nevertheless, Jane, running. She stopped in front of Darcy’s desk, panting, and said, “Thor! Thor’s here!”

“Pretty sure you didn’t need to run here to tell me that,” Darcy said, but she was on her feet immediately anyway.

-

It took about ten minutes for everyone to converge in one of the S.H.I.E.L.D. labs. Darcy, Coulson, Jane, Tony, Bruce, and Thor. Most importantly, Thor. Darcy had to restrain herself from kissing him she was so happy to see him. Instead, she settled for a hug. (And she only gave his muscles a _little_ squeeze. She could be good.)

“I am sorry that this happened to you, Darcy, Agent Coulson,” Thor said, gazing sorrowfully at them both with huge eyes.

“No worries, big guy,” Darcy said. “No harm done, right, Coulson?”

“Nothing tangible, in any case,” Coulson said. “It wasn’t your fault, Thor.”

“Perhaps,” Thor said, “though I feel responsible for the laxness which led this device to be in your presence in the first place. Such things are not meant for Midgard.”

“But what is it?” Jane interrupted, the suspense clearly too much for her.

Thor gave her a fond glance before starting to explain. “On Asgard, we use it to intentionally accomplish what befell you on accident-- to enable two persons to exchange places with one another, so that they might feel what the other feels, and know what it is to be them. It is a method of promoting closeness and a familiarity that could never otherwise be accomplished.”

Tony looked like all his Christmases had come at once. “It’s a sex toy?”

“Tony,” Bruce said, in that long-suffering way of his. Like anyone was fooled - everyone knew Bruce loved every long-suffering moment he spent doing science and being bros with Tony.

Thor’s brow furrowed in concentration, like he was actually giving the suggestion serious thought. “Yes, that would be a somewhat accurate statement. It is indeed used by couples who are interested in… How did you put it, Jane? Spicing up their sex lives?”

Jane blushed furiously.

Darcy made a note to pester her later.

Tony, on the other hand, didn’t seem at all interested in hearing more about Jane and Thor’s sex adventures. Instead he said, “It’s an Asgardian sex toy, and out of everyone in that lab, it decided to switch Coulson and Darcy. Okay, guys, which one of you was thinking bad thoughts? Fess up. Please tell me it was you, Agent.”

 _God bless Tony,_ Darcy thought, trying desperately not to squirm. Damn it. She had the horrible feeling that this whole mess might be, just a little, just the teensiest bit, entirely her fault. At least Tony would get them all to fixate on Coulson rather than on her.

“Correct me if I’m wrong,” Coulson said, “but I don’t believe Thor said the _only_ purpose of the device was for couples’ bedroom games.”

And God bless Coulson. Darcy could have kissed him. In a way that was different from how she wanted to kiss him all the time.

Thor nodded solemnly. “That is correct. It is frequently used in order to settle disputes or in any situation that would be improved by assisting a pair of people to acquire more intimate knowledge of one another.”

“Intimate!” Of course Tony chose _that_ to seize upon. “Because of the whole bad thoughts thing.”

“Right, because sex is the only way to be intimate,” Jane said sarcastically, but she was doing that thing with her eyebrows in Darcy’s direction that meant they were so totally going to have this out later and there was no way Darcy could avoid it.

Crap. Darcy lied like shit when it came to Jane.

“Miss Lewis is my assistant,” Coulson said, drawing everyone’s eyes to him. “Sorry to disappoint you, Mr. Stark, but I’m sure we wouldn’t be the first pair of employer-employee to want a bit of understanding.”

“Hmm,” Tony said, looking unconvinced, but he didn’t push the issue.

“The important thing,” Coulson went on, “is putting us back into the right bodies. You can do that, can’t you, Thor?”

“Indeed,” Thor confirmed. “I will begin immediately, if you wish.”

“God, yes,” Darcy said.

Thor smiled faintly at her and instructed her and Coulson to move closer together, placing their hands on the device. It wasn’t necessary, apparently, but would facilitate the process.

“I hope you have found some understanding, to make your ordeal worthwhile,” Thor said, like anyone actually cared about that.

Darcy took one last look at Coulson wearing her face and hoped that in a second she’d be looking into his blue eyes instead.

Thor did something with the device that Darcy couldn’t quite make out. There was a flash, just like before, and she didn’t feel much of anything.

But when she looked up, it was Coulson’s face in front of her. His actual face. Darcy glanced down at herself and grinned. “I missed you, girls,” she said, and imagined rather than saw the rolling of Coulson’s eyes.

Whatever. She had never, ever been so grateful of her lady parts as she was now.

-

When they finally managed to get away from their (probably) well-meaning but fucking clingy friends, Coulson said, “Coffee?”

“Please, yes,” Darcy said.

S.H.I.E.L.D. coffee was notoriously bad and Darcy was of the opinion they deserved better. They went to a Starbucks because it was literally (well, pretty much) impossible to turn a corner and not see one, and Darcy wanted the biggest, froofiest coffee she could get her hands on. Preferably with caramel. And full-fat, because she God damn deserved it.

“I guess we missed out on that whole feel what it’s like for the other side thing,” Darcy said, licking whipped cream from her lips.

Coulson’s coffee was boring and black. “Mr. Stark would no doubt be crushed.”

“Right? An Asgardian sex toy and all we did was go to work.”

“Where are our priorities?”

“Completely ass-backwards, that’s where.”

Coulson’s lips twitched into the faintest approximation of a smile. “I’m sorry that you had to go through this whole mess, but if I had to swap bodies with someone, well... I’m glad it was you.”

Darcy grinned. “It wasn’t a pleasure, but… it was a pleasure?”

“Something like that.”

“At least I knew I was in good hands.” Darcy shuddered. “I think I might have had nightmares if it had been Tony.”

“Rightly so,” Coulson agreed. “Though Miss Potts would have at least been able to prevent him keeping photographic material of any kind. Probably.”

“Like I needed any more fuel for my nightmares, thanks a lot.” Darcy concentrated on her coffee for a while, enjoying the sweetness of caramel on her tongue. She wondered if this was kind of like a band of brothers thing, like she and Coulson had survived something together and now were, like, BFFs. She wondered what he’d do if she just leaned across the table and kissed him. She could always blame it on PTSD.

By mutual agreement, they took their drinks and walked out of the Starbucks, strolling leisurely down the sidewalk. The air was crisp but the sun was out and Darcy suddenly didn’t want to go back to S.H.I.E.L.D. at all. She wanted to just walk and walk, enjoying the fresh air, pretending that they were just two normal people whose lives didn’t revolve around aliens and crises and superheroes.

She wanted to hold Coulson’s hand as they walked down the sidewalk together and wasn’t that just _sad._

“I was trying to pick you up,” Darcy blurted out. “Before, when I said how we could find out what sex was like? It was because I wanted to have sex with you. And I thought that would be the best way to find out if you wanted to, because it was the easiest to explain away.”

Oh, God. She’d just come on to her boss and she absolutely wouldn’t be able to explain this away.

Coulson was still walking, not looking at her, but he dumped his cup into a garbage can on the sidewalk before detouring down an emptier side street.

And because Darcy had never quite gotten the hang of knowing when it was best to stop, she said, “I’d rather do it while we’re in the right bodies. Because I know you’re my boss but I think you’re kind of awesome and I might have a humiliating crush on you. Which I just admitted to. Because when Tony asked about bad thoughts? Yeah, that was probably me.”

Darcy tried desperately to think of some way to turn this into a joke, and couldn’t. Where was an infestation of Doombots when you needed one?

Coulson was only standing in place, watching her. “I’m not sure that would be appropriate, Miss Lewis.”

“I took a number two while I was in your body, Coulson. I think ‘appropriate’ is out the window.”

Coulson’s eyes crinkled at the corners, like he was thinking about laughing. It was a good look on him. “You make a valid point.”

“Always do.” And, you know, what the hell. Too late to back out now. “And hey, before you start going into how you’re too old for me and I’m too young to know what I want and blah blah blah, do me a favor? Just don’t. I think I’ve earned the right for you to treat me like an adult, don’t you?”

“You being an adult was never in question.”

“Oh. Okay, then. So what’s the problem?”

“Would you like me to give you a list?”

“You know what? No. No, don’t do that. I just... Jane is dating a _god,_ okay? Or an alien, or whatever the hell Thor is. An _alien god._ Every relationship has its issues. I just don’t see how that should stop us even trying.” Wow. Had she really thrown out the ‘r’ word already?

Coulson was simply gazing at her and there was something like fondness in his eyes. “I have always admired your determination.”

“Yeah? So, then, let’s do this thing. Right?” Oh, God. Darcy didn’t even what sort of shit came out of her mouth sometimes. It was worse when she was nervous. Crap, she was so nervous. “I’m not helping my case much, am I? Scratch that, don’t answer. Can you just tell me if I’m wasting my time? I’d rather stop before I embarrass myself so much I’ll have to quit S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Darcy didn’t even want to imagine that. She had never wanted anything as much as she wanted S.H.I.E.L.D., and she had never even admitted that to herself before now. That stupid question people liked to ask in interviews, where do you see yourself in ten years? Darcy saw herself spinning in a chair behind a desk in her very own office at S.H.I.E.L.D., writing mission reports.

“I wouldn’t ever let that happen. Too big a loss for S.H.I.E.L.D.”

Darcy blinked. “Really?”

Coulson nodded. “I wouldn’t trust anyone else to help me wrangle the Avengers.”

Wait. “Holy shit, really? Does that mean what I think it does? Am I going to get a promotion?”

“I’m not sure I’d call it that, considering what the work entails, but, sure, if that’s how you want to think of it.”

Darcy flung herself forward and gave Coulson the biggest hug she could manage. Then she realized how awkward that was, considering. “Um. I didn’t actually mean to shove my boobs at you on purpose. Unless it’s helping.”

Coulson laughed, just once, quietly, but he laughed nonetheless. He also gently pushed her back. “I admit to nothing, but you may not have been the only person to entertain the occasional ‘bad thought’. Maybe you could let me buy you dinner sometime, Miss Lewis.”

That was about the closest thing she was going to get to a yes, Darcy decided. “Only if you call me Darcy.”

“Darcy,” Coulson said, making it sound somehow different than it ever had before. “I had wondered. Why did your parents name you Darcy?”

It was possibly the most embarrassing fact of Darcy’s entire existence, but what the hell. “They were really into Jane Austen. Apparently ‘Elizabeth’ just wasn’t good enough.”

The embarrassment was totally worth the way Coulson smiled at her. “So, Darcy... I guess we should go all out. Call me Phil?”

“Whoa, slow down there,” Darcy said, squeezing Coulson’s arm before starting to continue back towards S.H.I.E.L.D. “I’m not sure our burgeoning relationship is ready for that. I’ve seen your penis, but let’s not get crazy.”

Baby steps.

**_End_ **


End file.
